For college commute
Setting the font size to 14 and trying to for the first time in a long time use voice to text dictation which I used to call just voice to text. I'm going to talk about something very sensitive, but that's who I am now. I hear things and I automatically feel “oh what a rush” to have rushed to my phone. Ever since I used the conduit of, you know, being anonymous online, that's how I've been navigating more.
So here goes for a heart to heart with people who I don't actually know, but who have been supporting me online and I would like to you know make jokes to hear and so it is, but they might not land with their intendeds having just basic input. Obviously I'm going to talk about family more cause I don't know how to shut up about it.
About me
Gender Male
Introduction Immediate answer to FAQ. Questions of protection pierced me when I was a maricopa county inmate. For as much as I gained routine that I don't express to others as much as I could, now and then, God works as inorganic and an omnicapacitor even though man and earthenworks are organic.
I was just scratching my head just cause I don't know what to say about family. . . .When my mom called, it was not for me. Actually no one was in the house except for a brother of mine. Actually wasn't a house. It was an apartment that is fully carpeted except for the kitchen and the bathroom and that was just it: only one kitchen with only one bathroom and I guess I will just say the whole truth. The walls had a lot of whiteness on them okay except for white paint and they're always scuffed or marked up by wear and tear from years. I know that should rhyme, but it doesn't.
I guess I have to edit this because it's not leaving any … all right well let's go. So yeah she called and she didn't know that I was listening actually no one knew I was listening. I should say my brother doesn't know I was listening to him. He's not no one or a nobody. If anything, I was a nobody because that's how my family wants me to be. And I know that doesn't make sense tense-wise, but I was a nobody. Then maybe since I was already maybe that's how I should always be. In the future and for the present I can say I am something else, but I'm still going to be nobody.
Unless, it is, that I get hurt and it is enough so that I need to be heard, only then will I be someone, when someone hears me. It's just that she called, my mom called, and as much as I would like to say oh she is very progressive and you know maybe careless at some points and also not providing for as much as she wants and maybe just maybe that she can also take pity on herself way too much as if she was like in more of a male character's position trying to fulfill roles she can't do. But suffice it to say, she called my brother. He was in an intimate position.
Maybe she knew that, but she took advantage anyway. She wouldn't do that for me (so not any type of way) she would probably you know … obviously I'm getting stuck on things that I want to say. Just to get to the point of what we're talking about, this was an apartment that she never visited although she says she might have visited in the past. She never did. I thought that since I was probably the one that stayed the most inside that house or rather apartment, that I should feel the most sensitive about why she never visited. She says it's because I never got along with people, but I would probably say that she always wanted to plan things behind my back and that was just the tone for most of the family. If they wanted to do something fun, then probably do it behind my back.
So behind my back thinking that they were, I crept through the window and so yes now editing with punctuation, this is where I was. I crept through like a creep I crept, that should be, I was creeping while someone was crapping and I held my stand to the left and in front (his left and front). And they were just the orientation that they had to be for an eternity or for however long it takes. I don't know how long it might have seemed to take in his mind having to listen to someone pour the heart out to him, but obviously wasn't to me so I knew that this information couldn't just be hey what were you doing in there? No.
They would not share with me even (no one would). If his call didn't happen and whether or not, in there or not, that just probably wouldn’t have happened that way (someone tell me something secret). I know I'm talking differently. Rattling off my opinion rather than you know only taking the template of what I should say and then editing that template. This will probably be edited, but you know probably just for punctuation. I guess they don't fully know how to do that. Even Google, aint ya heard? They don’t even know.
And yes, so I guess I meant to say that before that Google is also the reason why I've been using online more. A lot of places use Google, but aren't Google which is convenient so Google doesn't rack your statistics. Or you're not signed in, so that they can't rack it. I guess you have to say track my data, but I don't care about signing off on things. So I just kind of sign in to more things as much as I can or to use as many applications or not even applications, but just navigations. Windows and everything. Navigation windows. So people are barricaded basically.
You could summarize what she said was, I don't want him to be who he is because I feel better kind of inducing what he says or getting him to get to the spiel or getting him to … you know I'm just going to stop there cause it's kind of starting to get some kind of emotional for me. But so, I wasn't supposed to hear this. Instead of creeping back the other way and closing the door I kind of had to you know creep forward. Just keep going forward so no one will know that it was me and if I was to go forward at least that gives credence to why the door was open or left open. Little did I know, this pulling away from family did in fact close doors.
Try to keep going forward was my intention. Even though it's a doorway or even though the window was before the doorway, this was the window for me to leave. I know this is kind of you know stepping on my own toes, but like I have to use what I said before in kind of balancing what I'm saying next. I crept forward and just kept going. I went through the front door. Suffice to say, I parked my car kind of close and I felt like I wouldn't be caught. I was just kind of doing what I wanted to do surreptitiously and then would be out or if I needed to, I'd be kind of off from where people wouldn’t be passing by.
Surreptitiously on that side of the street I wasn't double parked. I guess you can say that. And I wasn't in a fire lane. You know that tree where I moved my car when it happened (the most I ever felt connected to my family ever happened) was before him coming down. The tree was I guess cut down to gain visibility for drivers even though the tree was very much my go-to-point for round-about-a-tree hangouts with my friends that came over only if you went inside. But the people that actually didn't go inside, probably never cared too much about me or my relationship with a tree.
I feel that time spent around that tree with me drawing closer to others the closer to northeast urbanites I would become later on in life. Even though I was largely against that so I was one of the people that would like to be having to force myself out of any bad situation, away and outside before home. To just recuperate at home or to assure my ego and not be anxious at the same time. But I just think not going outside would do my faculties good as well.
I guess that now that she has her own way I'm starting to remember things and I guess it's still in a time frame that is hot and bothered except that I can talk it out. I can diffuse the tension. So yes she said that she doesn't want me to be me like I how I got to there like I got to the apartment by means of the car and how else would I? I wouldn't ask my family because that would just be like I need them too much and plus I was trying to be more independent. She was always getting hers. Well, I shouldn't say that cause that's kind of like a too formal or too informal whichever one it's just too something!
So I felt like if I'm going to be ordinary okay then most likely I’d be ordinary to the people that I don't really want to converse with. She ended up being one of those people because I only wanted to really have those deep conversations when it wasn't over the phone maybe in the prose formatted way like letter writing. From an email chain. And so I pretty much made the outer worlds my oasis. That's how I went about life. I always treated like the other was more important than who I had. You know, basically how life went on.
Suffice it to say, I forgot that I felt like a genius at that point when I do things kind of surreptitiously and I know that sounds wrong, but if you kind of keep the secret to yourself then that makes, you only, that person that is affected. That might not be common sense to do, but I did. This really does feel good and yes I did go to jail, but that wasn't why and in fact I probably want to tell something about that here.
Because I was in my neighborhood and actually I ventured too far and ventured to where my past used to be. Where I had a really good moments, but didn't remember them cause I had I guess too many. I had a pretty lot of a lot of freaking good moments. I don't know the subtext to that is correct or the syntax behind that, but I had many good moments. So many that my hands were tired! That's why it went like that.
So this time around, I only had enough of a workout throughout all of October. This was November and instead of talking about this for so long, I just would like to say that I know maybe I was in the wrong to not knock when I should have and only knock when I saw someone go in, but I guess the formulation of me asking for a solicitation that day and solicitation solicitation, for me to, was more than all I could do; was to do solicitation! Oh wow you're supposed to use punctuation verbally. Verbal punctuation.
I think someone saw me from the window and notified that the others come because I didn't knock on the door and instead I just wanted to kind of act casual and nonapproachable and maybe just maybe even try standing-offish and try to jog my memory. What was it there that drew me there again? But it wasn't working. I don't know. I think it was cause of what I was wearing. I was so focused on me or my presentation when someone else was actually outside and they look like they're wearing black and for some reason I was caught off guard that she was not wearing all black like I was or that I wasn’t the only one wearing a black top. I was wearing black. Yea. I neglected to talk to that other cause you know I'm still up in my feelings about you know just very random things and I never felt like that.
So yea, they made me feel like I had never have before. Badge of honors to them. Obviously, I'm not a person that is inclined to be like a virgin again, but that's kind of how they made me feel. If I was nobody could I still be someone or granted if I was nobody could trying to be nobody again get me what I was given as a nobody in the past that I ended up taking for granted in my becoming? They made me “up like donald trump”. They turned the heat up on me. They made me feel like I was venturing on waters that were like jacuzzi waters and I've only been in jacuzzi once… and I got action and that's pretty much what it was. It was unsolicited action.
I didn't like it. Just like some people don't like unsolicited advances and some people don't like unsolicited advice. I don't like unsolicited action. And could I go back to the apartments where they cut down, that tree, where I got some. Even got a bee sting there so that's fact for you to recount like a heuristic. The only time ever in my life, so I knew forever on after I wasn't allergic. It doesn't mean I'm addicted it just means I can't fight it. That's the only fact I can you know obviate from that situation. I guess I can't tell the whole story right now because it's not you know my invocation that I've never used before, but I have made speeches before and I guess I'm pretty good at those when I prepare.
This, just so you know, is kind of unscripted until it is scripted by dictation. I do want to say that I made, you know, a run for it after getting out the front door. I both tried to find the nearest hiding place which was probably indoors again and I also tried to find a means to be more relaxed and so I started walking and walking was better than running even though I had to you know still take bearings. I had to almost lower my pulse like you would when having sex and that's how you do being surreptitious. So yeah. So pretty much I got away and it felt really bad because I had to hide and I was in my car.
So I kind of … I kind of had to really be a creep in my car too. I had to go down to neutral and slow it for it was to be stopped eventually. I think this is when the tree was still there so he couldn't see me behind the tree when he was going to his car and this was my brother this is, like you know, you know like the very thing I have been talking about. What else is it that I'm talking about? So I saw him leave. I saw him go, pretty much, go from bathroom to outside or bathroom to the front door to outside.
I wasn't there for him to see him go through the front door. Obviously, I didn't stick around, but I did see him you know pretty much on my heels. He was pretty much unaware of me the whole time even though I was grid locked on him and I don't tell anybody this, but you know when I remembered something that is so prevalent that I have to excuse myself, that's what happens. Most of the time that's why I feel like a genius that I found a mode to collapse my thoughts and even if they’re memories, then, maybe I can share some of them and still be credited in a way. I know this won't get me a high class like you know a post graduation residency or anything like that, but this would get me my foot in the door of a conversation or recognition in some way.
So that's me on so much of the flip side and in between two complexes of apartments built by brick walls. There was a tree and I was behind that tree. Also when looking at my brother and keeping my eye on him as if gridlocked, the tree was to be cut down and I know it was there when I was there to back it up. Standing with the change of seasons and not the change of scenery. I never wanted to be so obliging to how I used to feel like I can’t always feel good or the same as me, the same as good even if my genius allows me my baddie periods.
That’s why I wrestle with others. My affidavit, what kept me in jail, was that I needed time away from Impact, away from AEW, away from WWE and all championship wrestling. To segway, I just used the restroom for number 1 and now feel better to say I did have to find someway to relieve myself of those people talking in the apartment so that only now I’d remember when people cause me to write in this way that I am pressuring my hippocampus to relay what happened to me as fast as typeable for later editing and matchmaking with its title. I do know of the scientists that start with a topic and then come to find topical funds for writing transactions. However, Blogger to me is less than scientifically formal plus I was put into a pre-pandemic mood. (I have started typing again.)
So I did relieve myself, but some would say in the worst way possible even though I do maintain that it was a genuine application to delay hippocampus gratification in that the answeritve memory would take me in the futuritive time when I pretty much tell myself and others something personal to me that I self-repressed. Actually, since repression is usually something you cannot do to yourself let’s just say I blame my family.
I know of the video that I made with my significant other at the time who is now obvious to me only a puppet for my mom being in control of things that were did with me before I’d be intermediately reminded of in the future on the road to isolation in awkwardness being more of an inert person in his 20s. (But before, when this happened, is when I deleted the pictures of my car.) Like others in their 20s? No, probably not for anyone, but for those seeking more inertia. That was also a November because the thing I did in my car was then not only lost on me, but my car was literally made unmaintainable in the process. (It was a no nonaxels-conditions-tested November.) Eh, another thing to grieve and not remember in the good times for good moments.
Maybe that’s why it is a period of 6.25 years before I’ve been ushered to revelations from my past. And since that happened in late 2016, “ahh 2016”, I have to say that my presentation is becoming more middle west than either east coast or west southern border. Middle west in that the trend is to wait for the agglomeration of the almost verbatim and revelatory.
Postscript
I don’t know if it’s because I don’t know how to let someone else’s life be completely their own when they talk me or if that is the only reason I cannot be myself anymore unless I live with that person in that only the times I talk to them are reasons for me to continue living there and the awkwardness is or becomes more approachable. If I am not myself I don’t have to cause unsolicited action for people.
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