About the Author – my side of the team call; [[not] ode to Evanescence's My Immortal] “I [not]’m so tired of being here”.
Itinerary is not mine anymore as much as the decision to go not go, but this time, to go, I’m saying is not my decision anymore after I make it because once I get there the itinerary is not under my control and that is even how I feel when I do leave the house or walk to the end of the street the decision to return is not mine. What’s calling me to comeback home? (It’s not always I have immediate rewards from just being flush with being in outside environment). Nigeria and the people there only know me through you and not through some of my career or my own family because even though they are your family they only see my negative side the one that had to have his family get him to the hospital two times (in one year) and who ((through) his (efforts)) that cannot find job. My ego requests from me everyday that I see a new person or read their name on my phone when I order off the menu online which I only do twice a day; I usually go to bed hungry but I have an apple or chips [like I said] to snack on [instead of relying on what my mom cooks (for 1 meal to last multiple mealtimes)]. I don’t have the same friends (anymore) and I can’t go over there to see you like you have come over here just to see me. And you have! But I always felt growing up that I was hammydown, second tier, that people only paid attention to me because they (didn’t know how to play with me) felt bad for me. Though here I need to stay here because of routine and how I need the ego the feeling of an ego (even if it’s not boasting like it used to be).
You act like how you raised me wasn’t enough, isn’t it why I went to the hospital in the first place? Then again (because you could only provide for me with food but not the time for a duality of medicinal effort and comraderie)? [Plus] my hair is not grown in all the way in the back yet and I do laundry once a week or weekend on each Saturday or Sunday and (you wouldn’t want me breaking appliances over there) the washer and dryer you have it wouldn’t be good to use only once or [not] [:] having to have a flight back here with no clean underwear because (when it comes down to it) even if I went to see you, you couldn’t stop me from wanting to run (away) or get some exercise or needed rest from that work. And I know I’m not supposed to talk about doctor patient relations but I always saw you as a doctor and that I was going to be a doctor except for being with poor resources at the time. Did you know that since covid the bedside manner that even patients should have is different? Sure it is the patients who are [always but more so now] behaving badly. (Sometimes the families of patients need rigor and repressed egos). Health is what you always talk about (but what about happiness) when happiness is defined as wellbeing or that the two mean the same thing, so why is it that only wellbeing,..[wellness, welfare, and self-will] all are negative or have a stigma around them (—speaking earthly – ) haunh?? I have even been going to the bathroom less at night now that I shifted my head [orientation] in bed to face the other way like I was doing [at your place]. (That tells me enough that my will to [live life (well) and at my own pace] is what’s for me now.
[As I told my mom before I told you because I recently went to sign up for a job online because it … I kind of wanted rejection but it had been for the first time this year that I am emerging adulthood that is to say I don’t have a family or career yet even though people younger than me do I’m not one of those people [just like I’m not going to los angeles to move back to Albany or New York city or even to Phoenix just because it is a populated city] and Phoenix is where the basketball, I mean the baseball, stadium is but you still don’t see (people like me / interactions) things there.
As when this job I was applying to online was real easy last Wednesday but don’t get your hopes up because it is in Mesa and although I do go out to Phoenix and have to pass the intersection of I-10 and I-17 going elsewhere like Scottsdale or Mesa that is still only (good for) going to Phoenix] [so don’t get your hopes up as I won’t for mines for they would have to get back to me about the job over email by next Wednesday (or I’ll stop checking email again)]. I don’t actually want to live (anywhere) here either and it’s not like I live close to the workplace, but I do want to live and do my reading like I was introspective (Centroverted; combining religion and psychology).
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